In which CD grapples with the idea of being perceived

sometimes i forget i am a human being that can be watched the same way i watch others. the concept has become less foreign with time yet the concern it brings me has only strengthened my constant awareness and self surveillance i am constantly doing. 

i think it would be exhausting for everyone i knew if they knew how much i cared despite growing up on the belief that i shouldn't. 

in middle school, i used to get teased a lot for like shitty rock bands and being annoying about them, so i just got more annoying about it and wore my pink Pierce The Veil "Today I Saw The Whole World" t-shirt 2x as often. a girl i barely knew but was friends with admitted she really admired that quality in me and the fact that i didn't let things like being called a "wrist slitter" or "future hot topic employee" (which is honestly a compliment) get to me much. i got bullied already for being a weird neurodivergent kid that looked like a nerd and was kind of a loser but once i truly discovered music, i unlocked an unparalleled level of confidence. 7th grade me was miserable and in denial about being queer but god damn i was still confident and ready to stand on my own as myself.

i think that version of me would be disappointed in the person i've become.

not that i'm letting myself be judged by mentally ill children, i actually don't care what middle school me thinks, and i understand perfectly why im more concerned about external perception compared to when i was a kid, but it still stings. stings to know how little i have made myself for the comfort of other people, whether it be family or classmates or even people i would call friends on a good day.

i think that being on twitter from grade 8 to grade 11 (which mind you, spring of grade 8 was 2020 for me), specifically stan twitter, probably did a lot of permanent damage to my brain but also helped a lot too because i had online friends and didn't have to fret about perception as much. i wasn't a body being seen under a microscope, i wasn't a performer playing the role of Normal Human Cis Woman while hiding all my trans pins and weird behaviours, and i wasn't hearing the nasty nasal of my stereotypically nerdy voice and tone. losing that due to a pseudo-cyber-stalking-situation (story for another day), being "outed" to family (story for another day), and elon musk buying twitter (unfortunately i think most people know this story) meant losing something deeper i couldn't recreate offline and i miss it.

im not even sure if that makes sense but i hope the idea is conveyed to some degree?

this blog is the closest im getting to that feeling, with a code name and blue theme to match, but even then i still feel the need to fill a role as if im being watched. maybe i just need some weed or like, anxiety meds. or my adhd meds that haven't been refilled in roughly 2 years (yet another story for another day). there's a tension in my mind that can never die until an unstoppable force defeats the unmoveable object once and for all. 

whatever man. these musings have had no real point or conclusion gained, they're simply words on a page. but it's all ive got!! i have an busy day tomorrow of procrastination, avoiding my cool but extraordinarily long readings for my gender studies class, bullshitting my way through said class, and more procrastination. too busy to even have a finished thought

signing off at 1:41 am, feeling overwhelmed by the underwhelming and unsatisfied yet okay with it because "Elderberry Wine" by Wednesday is stuck in my head and that song is an absolute banger. hope whoever is reading this from the void is having a nice day/night wherever they are, you all have really cool blogs and im excited to keep up with them all!! 

- XO CD.