Watching My Heroes Sell A Car On TV: Reflecting on 10 Years with My Chemical Romance

Our story starts on January 1st, 2016. 

I am 9 years old, starring in disbelief as my now-13-year-old-sister dances around our uncomfortably new living room. She's on a call with her best friend she hasn't seen in months on an her janky iPod touch, and they're singing along to this weird song she's got playing on the TV. I had started listening to Set It off, Marianna's Trench, and Melanie Martinez at this point, but other than those three my tastes were firmly rooted in mainstream pop available on the radio, so I just didn't know what to make of what I was hearing at all. 

I didn't know much about musicals and I really didn't know what Emo was aside from some "depictions" in cartoons, but with red lyrics on a black background playing with this kind of music, I had no choice but to infer that this was a song from some weird emo musical movie for teens. I want to go to bed but I can't, and she keeps singing the song over, and over, and over again.

I said I hated it that night, but for the next 6 months, that same chorus was stuck in my head. I would censor it, of course, swearing was bad and I was a fucking great kid. But it remained in my head, looping constantly the second I stopped listening to something else or just had a moment of boredom to myself.

Sometime in the following summer, after my older sister had begun to exit her "weird emo phase" as she called it, I finally Googled the song based on the few lyrics I remember and found "Teenagers" by My Chemical Romance on YouTube. I remember listening to the song and having my jaw drop for the first time in pure awe over the song and video.

10 years later, I still feel that amazement, but it's so much more complicated and heavier than it used to be.

My Chemical Romance influenced me more than anything else in my life growing up. Without a doubt, since the moment I listened to them properly, they had become my favourite band. Their music allowed me to carve a space out for me to be this weird brown queer kid who didn't match up to anyone's expectations for me. I watched Life On The Murder Scene religiously, having it memorised but still tearing up on every watch. I put on the My Chemical Fancast every day in the eigth grade just to hear the stories behind the songs or stories other fans had related to their music. Due to MCR's influence, I took drawing more seriously, I wrote more in my spare time, I wore fingerless skeleton gloves everywhere no matter how many looks I got, and listened to the Misfits and the Smiths and Bowie and Smashing Pumpkins because they opened the door for me to do so

I will always appreciate the intense impact their music and messaging had on me growing up over the last 10 years, but it's impossible to act like the relationship I have with them and their music is still as pure as I want it to be. The world has changed significantly in the last few years alone, let alone the last 10. The longer I cling to the image of them I held in my head, the harder it is to grow, so it's time to reflect on what exactly has changed.

Originally, this was just supposed to be a piece talking about how I re-listened to The Black Parade again recently and not only did it still hold up, but I could track my own personal history with music through all the things that I noticed on the listen. However, the more I wrote, the more I noticed a slight dissonance between me praising the band that made the album and some of my own internal critiques of the band that I was ignoring. In between edits, I watched a recent Elliot Sang bonus video about self reflection and outgrowing public figures you admire and it became a bit too difficult to ignore. I think I've begun to outgrow my favourite band and understand they no longer align with my values beyond what the surface level may suggest

They're such a huge part of my identity, everyone I know associates me with this band, but I can't keep closing my eyes to every disappointing action they do, nor can I keep being so invested in a band I lack faith in. Between the horrific pricing of their shows due to how they've opted into dynamic pricing, to horrific pricing and timing of merchandise sales, to a lack of any statement or action on the genocide of Palestine, to the weird decisions surrounding the Danger Days deluxe release that leave it feeling cold and impersonal, there's a lot to be critical of regarding the band in recent years for me, especially because of how important these issues are for me. It's made even more ironic that their incredible theatrical live show critiques capitalism and authoritarian governments symbolically and yet it costs an arm and a leg to get to and is about as far as they're realistically going to go with their messaging. I haven't been to the tour, but everything I've seen has been fantastically put together, yet it feels almost empty in context. 

Artists I love like Robert Smith and Hayley Williams have been very openly critical of dynamic pricing and have also shown that there are artists out there who care to be vocal about issues plaguing our modern life, both in music and in action. I never expected MCR to be the most politically outspoken band, but its disheartening to see just how comfortable this band has gotten. It's naive to assume with everything we know about how dynamic pricing works and how intense the support for their tours have been that they aren't aware on some level of what their doing. I've seen fans critique MCR's pricing and "cash grabby" tendencies while also saying they did fold and buy tickets that cost a kidney for the nosebleeds because "what if they never get the chance again." Never mind the fact that they've been reunited longer than they were broken up, the scarcity of their touring is felt throughout the fans who are desperate to see the band that changed their life. This included me for a long time, I would've gone in a heartbeat if I could justify the costs, but it all just leaves such a sour taste in my throat.

The economy in Ontario is real shit right now, the politics through out the west is a hellscape, and the global atrocities taking place are nothing short of harrowing. My values and beliefs have sharpened with age, but in that time it seems like My Chemical Romance has elevated further and further into the clouds. 

I spend my days reading about how Doug Ford's living comfortably as he ruins OSAP and defunds our emergency firefighters, only aiding in the devastating wildfires ransacking the province. I get to class and wonder if I'll even be able to afford graduating, if I'll even be able to get a job in the city, if i'll be able to provide for my parents if I do and still have enough for a single meal. I get home and help my elderly father, whose legs are breaking just trying to provide for our family from his minimum wage job, get to bed. My friends text me about how they're at risk of losing their families or education because of their queerness, disability, or financial strain. Immediately after I see My Chemical Romance has finally posted something, and its that they put up tickets for their big new tour, and the cheapest ones are hundreds of dollars already.

It just feels a bit ridiculous for me specifically to be doing mental gymnastics in my mind just to justify the emotional investment I still have in them.

In the comments of any and every post related to the band, the lyrics "I spent my high school career / spit on a shoved to agree / so I could watch all my heroes / sell a car on TV"  from their song "Disenchanted" is referenced in response to their actions, and though it's become incredibly repetitive, it rings scarily true for me. It was my favourite song on the Black Parade for years, I listened to it constantly but never once imagined the heroes to be MCR themselves, yet here we are.

I understand that we shouldn't expect incredible politics from a bunch of "legacy" millionaire musicians, but to have your entire tour thematically be against fascism and capitalism and not comment on anything outside of the show that is incredibly inaccessible to reach is just absurd. Not every musician needs to be an activist, but I personally realize I would rather be listening to and supporting artists who can make art about their views but also won't shy away from actually talking about things, human to human, and actually living by their views. I still imagine MCR as 4 poor punk dudes in 2003 touring the world from a shitty a van, but its been a very long time since that image was accurate, and I gotta stop acting like it hasn't been.

I'll always love their music, but it's time to shift away from the attachment I have to them and invest my energy to music and art I actually can align with and actions that actually align with my values. It doesn't just stop with My Chem either, I've really gotta re-evaluate what bands/musicians I hold on an internal pedestal and whether the expectations for this parasocial relationship are even justifiable. Growing up as a big fan of rock music, I always was a fan of talented musicians that  had done really questionable things to the point where as a young desi queer kid I was very glad I wasn't in a room with any of them, but I feel like in recent years I have forgotten to remember that fact and it's certainly worth thinking about again. I'll happily tell you that Paul McCartney is my favourite Beatle and I admire his contributions to pop music as a whole but he's still a billionaire who has lived very luxuriously for over 60 years so my admirations and investment firmly end there. 

In the face of this slow personal divestment from these huge acts, I have been been increasingly involved with the Toronto punk/alt scene, even doing design work for some bands whenever I can, and going to shows whenever I humanly have the chance. Trashwyre, Heavenly Blue, Rellana, Ceippo, the Neverminds, and White Rabbit are all so incredible to see, whether if it's in the basement of a bar or someone's cramped living room. I would rather go see any of those bands than honestly even go to a bigger concert. I could be putting my wallet and time towards anything, I would much rather give it back to musicians I actually see and can respect on a personal level. 

This isn't meant to be a hate post towards the band, once again I still love their music and will always hold it to a very close place in my heart, I don't think I'm too good for them or something like that. This also isn't meant to be judgemental to anyone who disagrees, this is just my own personal reflections. I don't see a future where I continue to hold them up as a great amazing band I admire while also staying true to my beliefs and views on their actions. Self reflecting is good actually, especially when music is involved, and I am just trying to keep in check regarding blatant contradictions in what I claim to value and what I actively support. I am not continuing to stan for scraps of political awareness when my attention can simply go elsewhere and support other things. 

A basic realization 10 years in the making, but better late than never.

- CD