I am so god damn tired and i have an 8 hour shift to get ready for the second i'm done this post. Its the kid of tired that makes you feel like your skin is melting, its bad.
Worth it? Definetely.
Still sucks.
Went to a local show on Friday, and now i have 5 more local bands to absolutely adore, and I got a shirt, setlist, and cassette to celebrate. Made a real connection with one of the musicians (hence the setlist) over one of her songs, which was really nice.
The friend that invited me dubs himself as the emotionally unaware and immature straight guy friend, who's more observant than he lets on but never does anything about it, but he's been very supportive recently in subtle and not so subtle ways. He said the show would be a nice break after all the heavy shit in the world, and he was right. I've spent the last week or so scared i had a crush on him but i think my emotionally distant brain just still struggles with the intensity if my platonic affection for my friends, if that makes sense. I would do anything for them and considering I think us two have really levelled up in trust, it's nice.
That night and for the entire next day, I was on campus showing my longest friends around and getting her to meet some friends. It was nice, she brings a comforting familiarity in an ever changing life. I am glad I see her less due to her going to a school so far away, but only because I think if we saw each other constantly we would drive each other insane and now she's there to share beautiful insights in the world I don't get otherwise. My least mentally ill friend, my closest muslim friend and the only one who is queer and religious, the only one who has put religion and family over her queerness cause they just matter more to her, and the one who makes me feel the most comfortable about doing the opposite because she understands entirely. One of those friends that may have a million flaws and conflicting traits on paper but then I see her and it all fades away for a bit, if that makes sense
Also, in showing old friend my new friends, I realized a lot of great things about them. Namely their observance and care. I forget that as a commuter I am often missing pieces and conversations from those who are there full time. Maybe they were right to be shocked cause I shouldn't have let my depressed best friend (heyyy) get drink during our night out but also I don't control them and they had the can and I made sure they were fine and fed and if it gets worse I will hold an intervention (I trust you but this is a warning), but sometimes I hear things that make me wonder if I could be seeing or doing more. It took one comment for me question my lack of questioning others' behaviours. I just don't want to be the reason someone I love gets worse (not just this instance, but in general), all because I wasn't paying attention, or I was but did nothing
I have an insane week of project due dates and personal events. Thursday marks 5 years since I tried to kill myself, sandwiched between both of my parents' birthdays. I have just accepted I'm not finishing an exercise due on Tuesday in favour of my 4 actual projects due Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday but it's okay even if I feel like shit about it. I might have to postpone my d&d campaign starting which I actually feel worse about lmao. February is off to an insane start, to say the least.
I think that's it from me, here's to hoping I don't fall over and crash into the Tim Horton's milk & cream dispenser today! Signing off at 1:06 PM with love for my community and enough exhaustion to make the entirety of Toronto pass out in an instance.
- XO CD
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