On Tuesday, February 3rd, I made my last blog post where I mentioned my "newly upgraded close friend." Since then, he has upgraded a lot more since then.
A. Lot. More.
To my best friend, if you read this, I apologize in advance because this is so much more than you'd probably want to hear!
But anyways, I am in my 2nd ever relationship and what I consider to be my first real one (even if its technically not official regardless of the fact that we are a bit more than committed), and it's been an insane progression. We both have said we're probably going too fast regardless and are trying to slow it down (made easier by our reading week starting today) but even then it feels like the beautiful mutual bond of my dreams.
Our interests don't always align but our reasonings for what we love and our appreciation for it does. He loves hearing me talk on and on about nonsense even if he doesn't know what it is cause he loves hearing my voice and the way my eyes light up when i'm excited. He thinks I'm adorable when I'm just being myself. He cherishes me and cares for me and holds me so gently like I'm made of feathers and yet still jokes with me and talks with me like when we were just two guys that were friends. He treats me like a guy, no fear of him seeing me as a woman despite my looks being very feminine and non-passing, and always jokes about how gay we are. He's always checking on me, never pushes too far, always paying attention, has matched my freak way more than I expected. We love spending time together, I am always repaying the favour emotionally and he gives me more credit than I probably deserve. It's only been a week of us going from extremely close friends to lovers, only one weekend where I actually got to stay with him instead of commute, and yet he's already disputed many of my fears and anxieties with the understanding that we have time to learn and grow and explore this new thing we have together.
And yet I still feel like I will break his heart.
Why?
I'm not even exactly sure.
I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am always watching life with a critical eye. I never enjoy good things beyond surface level and when I do, I shelf the emotion entirely once it passes as if it was never there. Friends often come and go, my identity sheds like snake skin every few months. Repression, intense masking, and a history of disassociation has done a number on my psyche.
Many people I know in real life might think I'm naive or child like, overly caring for the world and annoyingly bubbly, but I don't see myself that way. If everything must pass and good things will always leave, I just try to enjoy the small things as much as possible with the knowledge that it will all end before i can even close my eyes to blink.
This gets complicated considering my partner here has abandonment issues, admitted to being pretty lonely before this, is generally far more guarded with himself, and is jumping in with both feet while I am still so guarded and I'm not sure how to stop being so. I didn't think this would be the issue I had. He looks at me when we're alone like I strung up the stars as he sings sweet songs in my ear about all the places we'll travel together, and I smile and look at him back thinking that in 6 months or so when he's bound to be sick of me, I hope I was at least a great experience he can look back on fondly and think of when he needs reminders that for a while he was just loved. He looks to the future and sees our potential joy and I look and see a knife pointed at my throat. I think I might be a bit of a monster for letting such a vulnerable beautiful man fall for me while I know that any day now the shoe will drop and i will be forced to return to the closet and be married off to some cishet man my family deems is traditional and worthy of the family.
My brain keeps trying to point out his flaws, keeps giving me reasons to run away from the danger of vulnerability, but they just give me more reasons to admire him and find him endearing. He's not perfect, never thought he was even when I spent roughly a year subtly crushing on him in the back of my mind, but it makes him more real to talk to and exist with. He's not an idea, he's a whole person, and he's different than me in some ways but very similar in the ways that matter. He talks about me like I'm perfect, and it would be easier if it was cause he saw a projection or a facade like in She Had The World by P!ATD but he knows what I'm like and has seen me thoroughly and yet still says it. The horror of being genuinely perceived is there and not going anywhere. I keep thinking he'll look at me and see he truth but he actually just looks at me full of affection.
It is so scary for someone to look at you, really look at you, and see perfection. I always feel like I'm going to disapoint him even if he assures me I won't. I think that he can't predict that, but I never say it.
My best friend in the whole universe and beyond, my other half I could never go through life without, is also another factor I consider. I have known them for nearly 5 years and it took 3 for me to accept they were my best friend and a permanant fixture and 4 years for them to see every part of me and trust them fully. I have many friends, I am lucky to say so, but I rarely trust people at all. Best friend has been going through a rough time and I am so scared I have been absent or worse, as the only person who knows about me and my partner, feels like they can't bring stuff up to me cause of this new thing. I have gotten evidence this isn't true, the three of us were all good friends before this, but I have never once had someone else to rely on or let in other than my best friend. They're aromantic and I have never pulled anyone before this so this is the first time where a romantic relationship has been thrown in to unbalance us and I am so scared that it might. I am scared of so much honestly which I suppose is normal.
My best friend and my boyfriend live in very different categories of my heart and that will not change, their roles in my life are similar and not in competetion, and I love them both significantly, but am just worried I'll struggle to showcase that.
It's all communication and effort, I know, anxiety is just a bitch and self doubt is my oldest companion.
Next time we meet, me and the boyfriend are having a proper conversation about everything because we are both scared and have a shit ton of baggage weighing us down (somehow, him more than me) so we'll see how that goes. Regardless, on Sunday it's his birthday so we're just going to hangout downtown together, before that I have D&D with my dearest friends and before that I have the start of what is bound to be my queerest and most conflicting Ramadan yet.
The future is terrifying and I fear I break everything I touch but I guess I'll just do my best until the cracks start to really formulate.
Either that, or panic myself into oblivion, that is.
Signing off at 3:40 PM feeling no better or worse than before but certainly a bit lighter and potentially gayer. Much to think about.
- XO CD
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