Living at home usually means feeling the brunt of my family's tension bubbling under the surface, but aside from a few stray comments and my mother being extra stressed this year, it's been okay.
It is also only the start of the second day, so who knows.
February is generally a strong month of reflection for me about the person I want to be and how my life is going, so with Ramadan on top of it, I'm getting a lot more time to do that. Usually during Ramadan it's supposed to be about reflecting on your relationship with God, but that's such a loaded topic for me it's hard to do much other than glide along the surface It helps that I'm still on reading week so I am able to rest more for the first few days while I reflect instead of being in classes at least, but that's gonna change really soon.
I hate disappointing people and yet let down a peer I highly respect in a group project due to small distractions and not much else. Time isn't passing linearly for me and whenever I think back to the past I have to sort through fog first. I made an adhd rookie's mistake with two small assignments that were worth a lot and I simply forgot to do or double check if I had done. I feel so dumb for all my classes and like suddenly I have no idea what I'm doing and everyone can see and judge me for it. Have barely done any work for an intentsive project I still feel so lost with thats due in 2 weeks. My best friend has been doing really bad and I feel like I haven't done enough to help him even though I know I can. The Boyfriend and I have been a lot more clear and communicative (which we already were but moreso) yesterday and it's so shocking to find someone who is on the same page about how we want to approach this relationship and what we want from it, down to the fact that we both agree if anything happens we want to do whatever we can to stay friends.
The Boyf (as my best friend called him, apparently a Be More Chill reference??) has been such a shock cause when I was unrequitedly crushing on him, I told myself we would be so bad in a relationship together, but this is honestly everything I wanted and more. We've upgraded our friendship, he's so caring and trusting, and so far has been so understanding of everything on my end. We've been good friends for a while so talking isn't even hard and I did know all this, I just didn't imagine us matching together so well? I think if I told anyone else they'd be shocked, but I see more sides of him than everyone else so I don't care if it doesn't make sense yet. One day we'll tell everyone and they'll just have to live with their shock.
Another reflection: The Boyfriend has been distracting. We've talked about this cause it's a problem for us both but especially me. Part of why that group project issue hurts so bad is that I know one major distraction was my intense feelings for him distracting me from everything else. Things have calmed down more now and like I said, we've made some game plans for when classes start again (we're in the same degree, same year, and same group project, so its gonna be needed), but there's a slight amount of shame and embarrassment that I let myself get unwound like that. Knowing someone else has that much sway on you is scary!!! I've always been easily swayed by friends but this is a whole other level.
All I can really do now is do better for the next half of the semester. Me and my group have a call with our TA at Noon and after that I am just gonna do some work at my desk until Iftaar (roughly 6PM). I am scheduling out everything I have to do somewhat and seeing what can be done soon.
Another thing, last year I didn't fast because I was so mentally unstable and unwell that my brain just couldn't handle it. I am trying to be as safe and healthy right now, and in the last month I've mostly been okay, but I can't help but feel like my depression is gonna come up and attack me when I least expect it and it'll ruin everything. All the prep in the world can't save me from the disruption one bad day will cause on my entire life at this point. I'll have to just adjust and push forward if that happened. Let's hope I can.
Doug Ford wants my broke ass to have an obscene amount of debt. its been like an hour and I feel like I have eaten and drank nothing already. On Sunday, I'm going to the city with The Boyfriend for his birthday but I have to survive an evil family dinner party on Saturday first.
I'm tired and scared and stressed but at least I'm alive and trying and that means something right?
I hope to god it does.
- XO CD
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