CD's Ramadan Reflections Are Probably Not What God Intended

Ramadan is a time for immense reflection, meditation, humbleness, and spirituality in any muslim household I'd say. I grew up muslim, and despite my many complications with religion due to mental illness, family struggles, and queerness, I still consider myself one. A really bad one, I'm sure, but muslim none the less, at least culturally.

Living at home usually means feeling the brunt of my family's tension bubbling under the surface, but aside from a few stray comments and my mother being extra stressed this year, it's been okay.

It is also only the start of the second day, so who knows.

February is generally a strong month of reflection for me about the person I want to be and how my life is going, so with Ramadan on top of it, I'm getting a lot more time to do that. Usually during Ramadan it's supposed to be about reflecting on your relationship with God, but that's such a loaded topic for me it's hard to do much other than glide along the surface It helps that I'm still on reading week so I am able to rest more for the first few days while I reflect instead of being in classes at least, but that's gonna change really soon.

I hate disappointing people and yet let down a peer I highly respect in a group project due to small distractions and not much else. Time isn't passing linearly for me and whenever I think back to the past I have to sort through fog first. I made an adhd rookie's mistake with two small assignments that were worth a lot and I simply forgot to do or double check if I had done. I feel so dumb for all my classes and like suddenly I have no idea what I'm doing and everyone can see and judge me for it. Have barely done any work for an intentsive project I still feel so lost with thats due in 2 weeks. My best friend has been doing really bad and I feel like I haven't done enough to help him even though I know I can. The Boyfriend and I have been a lot more clear and communicative (which we already were but moreso) yesterday and it's so shocking to find someone who is on the same page about how we want to approach this relationship and what we want from it, down to the fact that we both agree if anything happens we want to do whatever we can to stay friends.

The Boyf (as my best friend called him, apparently a Be More Chill reference??) has been such a shock cause when I was unrequitedly crushing on him, I told myself we would be so bad in a relationship together, but this is honestly everything I wanted and more. We've upgraded our friendship, he's so caring and trusting, and so far has been so understanding of everything on my end. We've been good friends for a while so talking isn't even hard and I did know all this, I just didn't imagine us matching together so well? I think if I told anyone else they'd be shocked, but I see more sides of him than everyone else so I don't care if it doesn't make sense yet. One day we'll tell everyone and they'll just have to live with their shock.

Another reflection: The Boyfriend has been distracting. We've talked about this cause it's a problem for us both but especially me. Part of why that group project issue hurts so bad is that I know one major distraction was my intense feelings for him distracting me from everything else. Things have calmed down more now and like I said, we've made some game plans for when classes start again (we're in the same degree, same year, and same group project, so its gonna be needed), but there's a slight amount of shame and embarrassment that I let myself get unwound like that. Knowing someone else has that much sway on you is scary!!! I've always been easily swayed by friends but this is a whole other level.

All I can really do now is do better for the next half of the semester. Me and my group have a call with our TA at Noon and after that I am just gonna do some work at my desk until Iftaar (roughly 6PM). I am scheduling out everything I have to do somewhat and seeing what can be done soon. 

Another thing, last year I didn't fast because I was so mentally unstable and unwell that my brain just couldn't handle it. I am trying to be as safe and healthy right now, and in the last month I've mostly been okay, but I can't help but feel like my depression is gonna come up and attack me when I least expect it and it'll ruin everything. All the prep in the world can't save me from the disruption one bad day will cause on my entire life at this point. I'll have to just adjust and push forward if that happened. Let's hope I can.

Doug Ford wants my broke ass to have an obscene amount of debt. its been like an hour and I feel like I have eaten and drank nothing already. On Sunday, I'm going to the city with The Boyfriend for his birthday but I have to survive an evil family dinner party on Saturday first. 

I'm tired and scared and stressed but at least I'm alive and trying and that means something right?

I hope to god it does.

- XO CD

CD is too gay to think straight.

On Tuesday, February 3rd, I made my last blog post where I mentioned my "newly upgraded close friend." Since then, he has upgraded a lot more since then.

A. Lot. More.

To my best friend, if you read this, I apologize in advance because this is so much more than you'd probably want to hear!

But anyways, I am in my 2nd ever relationship and what I consider to be my first real one (even if its technically not official regardless of the fact that we are a bit more than committed), and it's been an insane progression. We both have said we're probably going too fast regardless and are trying to slow it down (made easier by our reading week starting today) but even then it feels like the beautiful mutual bond of my dreams. 

Our interests don't always align but our reasonings for what we love and our appreciation for it does. He loves hearing me talk on and on about nonsense even if he doesn't know what it is cause he loves hearing my voice and the way my eyes light up when i'm excited. He thinks I'm adorable when I'm just being myself. He cherishes me and cares for me and holds me so gently like I'm made of feathers and yet still jokes with me and talks with me like when we were just two guys that were friends. He treats me like a guy, no fear of him seeing me as a woman despite my looks being very feminine and non-passing, and always jokes about how gay we are. He's always checking on me, never pushes too far, always paying attention, has matched my freak way more than I expected. We love spending time together, I am always repaying the favour emotionally and he gives me more credit than I probably deserve. It's only been a week of us going from extremely close friends to lovers, only one weekend where I actually got to stay with him instead of commute, and yet he's already disputed many of my fears and anxieties with the understanding that we have time to learn and grow and explore this new thing we have together.

And yet I still feel like I will break his heart.

Why? 

I'm not even exactly sure.

I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am always watching life with a critical eye. I never enjoy good things beyond surface level and when I do, I shelf the emotion entirely once it passes as if it was never there. Friends often come and go, my identity sheds like snake skin every few months. Repression, intense masking, and a history of disassociation has done a number on my psyche. 

Many people I know in real life might think I'm naive or child like, overly caring for the world and annoyingly bubbly, but I don't see myself that way. If everything must pass and good things will always leave, I just try to enjoy the small things as much as possible with the knowledge that it will all end before i can even close my eyes to blink.

This gets complicated considering my partner here has abandonment issues, admitted to being pretty lonely before this, is generally far more guarded with himself, and is jumping in with both feet while I am still so guarded and I'm not sure how to stop being so. I didn't think this would be the issue I had. He looks at me when we're alone like I strung up the stars as he sings sweet songs in my ear about all the places we'll travel together, and I smile and look at him back thinking that in 6 months or so when he's bound to be sick of me, I hope I was at least a great experience he can look back on fondly and think of when he needs reminders that for a while he was just loved. He looks to the future and sees our potential joy and I look and see a knife pointed at my throat. I think I might be a bit of a monster for letting such a vulnerable beautiful man fall for me while I know that any day now the shoe will drop and i will be forced to return to the closet and be married off to some cishet man my family deems is traditional and worthy of the family.

My brain keeps trying to point out his flaws, keeps giving me reasons to run away from the danger of vulnerability, but they just give me more reasons to admire him and find him endearing. He's not perfect, never thought he was even when I spent roughly a year subtly crushing on him in the back of my mind, but it makes him more real to talk to and exist with. He's not an idea, he's a whole person, and he's different than me in some ways but very similar in the ways that matter. He talks about me like I'm perfect, and it would be easier if it was cause he saw a projection or a facade like in She Had The World by P!ATD but he knows what I'm like and has seen me thoroughly and yet still says it. The horror of being genuinely perceived is there and not going anywhere. I keep thinking he'll look at me and see he truth but he actually just looks at me full of affection. 

It is so scary for someone to look at you, really look at you, and see perfection. I always feel like I'm going to disapoint him even if he assures me I won't. I think that he can't predict that, but I never say it.

My best friend in the whole universe and beyond, my other half I could never go through life without, is also another factor I consider. I have known them for nearly 5 years and it took 3 for me to accept they were my best friend and a permanant fixture and 4 years for them to see every part of me and trust them fully. I have many friends, I am lucky to say so, but I rarely trust people at all. Best friend has been going through a rough time and I am so scared I have been absent or worse, as the only person who knows about me and my partner, feels like they can't bring stuff up to me cause of this new thing. I have gotten evidence this isn't true, the three of us were all good friends before this, but I have never once had someone else to rely on or let in other than my best friend. They're aromantic and I have never pulled anyone before this so this is the first time where a romantic relationship has been thrown in to unbalance us and I am so scared that it might. I am scared of so much honestly which I suppose is normal. 

My best friend and my boyfriend live in very different categories of my heart and that will not change, their roles in my life are similar and not in competetion, and I love them both significantly, but am just worried I'll struggle to showcase that.

It's all communication and effort, I know, anxiety is just a bitch and self doubt is my oldest companion.

Next time we meet, me and the boyfriend are having a proper conversation about everything because we are both scared and have a shit ton of baggage weighing us down (somehow, him more than me) so we'll see how that goes. Regardless, on Sunday it's his birthday so we're just going to hangout downtown together, before that I have D&D with my dearest friends and before that I have the start of what is bound to be my queerest and most conflicting Ramadan yet.

The future is terrifying and I fear I break everything I touch but I guess I'll just do my best until the cracks start to really formulate.

Either that, or panic myself into oblivion, that is.

Signing off at 3:40 PM feeling no better or worse than before but certainly a bit lighter and potentially gayer. Much to think about.

- XO CD

CD slowly becomes an egotistical fuck one compliment at a time

 I've made a habit of writing here instead of taking notes in class as a way to help pay attention which is wild how that works. Anyways its only Tuesday and this week has been insane.

I've slept for 10 hours across two days. Yesterday, I was stuck on morning commute for 3+ hours and i made it everyone's business by telling everyone, did a presentation where I rambled so hard i don't even remember what I said, just that I was both reciting and live editing my slides and forgot to clarify key details, and finished a painting only to make it slightly worse than intended. I have gotten to the point that I cannot tell how much is just me being too used to my work that I see the flaws, how much is me being too harsh while others are seeing with an honesty, or how much is me being honest about my work while others are far too kind. My mom once said to me that people will always be too kind to save face and keep up appearances so never trust what anyone says to you ever, which I think is far too extreme but I'd be lying if I didn't say I internalized some of it. I always feel like I'm reaching out to constellations I can't quite connect with. At the same time, I think a part of me might be a bit too self centred with my life idk romanticizing the idea of how I'm being projected a bit too much, which is weird? I fear I'm taking up space. I don't know. Brain's are odd

With that said, it's kind of insane the amount of beautiful moments that have happened because of those projects. An acquaintance I've wanted to properly befriend being genuinely moved by the presentation. A tired stranger on the bus glancing at the painting a few times before letting me know they liked it. Newly upgraded close friend hyping up said painting. Fishing for compliments is easy I'm doing it without meaning to. The other shoe will drop soon but until then I've got Delete by Ninajirachi playing on loop.

(Which by the way, great song. Stealing a note from Amuro and just linking them from more on. This is supposed to be a music centred blog, afterall. Take the link and pirate it, just listen.)

I've been so sleep deprived I completely forgot Hayley Williams and Daniel James dropped a new hardcore project on bandcamp which is fucking crazy. Power Snatch is the soundtrack for the ride home today.

Signing off emotionally conflicted and confused at roughly 9:06 AM. - XO CD

In Which CD is the most tired he has ever been and it will only get worse

 I am so god damn tired and i have an 8 hour shift to get ready for the second i'm done this post. Its the kid of tired that makes you feel like your skin is melting, its bad.

Worth it? Definetely.

Still sucks.

Went to a local show on Friday, and now i have 5 more local bands to absolutely adore, and I got a shirt, setlist, and cassette to celebrate. Made a real connection with one of the musicians (hence the setlist) over one of her songs, which was really nice. 

The friend that invited me dubs himself as the emotionally unaware and immature straight guy friend, who's more observant than he lets on but never does anything about it, but he's been very supportive recently in subtle and not so subtle ways. He said the show would be a nice break after all the heavy shit in the world, and he was right. I've spent the last week or so scared i had a crush on him but i think my emotionally distant brain just still struggles with the intensity if my platonic affection for my friends, if that makes sense. I would do anything for them and considering I think us two have really levelled up in trust, it's nice. 

That night and for the entire next day, I was on campus showing my longest friends around and getting her to meet some friends. It was nice, she brings a comforting familiarity in an ever changing life. I am glad I see her less due to her going to a school so far away, but only because I think if we saw each other constantly we would drive each other insane and now she's there to share beautiful insights in the world I don't get otherwise. My least mentally ill friend, my closest muslim friend and the only one who is queer and religious, the only one who has put religion and family over her queerness cause they just matter more to her, and the one who makes me feel the most comfortable about doing the opposite because she understands entirely. One of those friends that may have a million flaws and conflicting traits on paper but then I see her and it all fades away for a bit, if that makes sense

Also, in showing old friend my new friends, I realized a lot of great things about them. Namely their observance and care. I forget that as a commuter I am often missing pieces and conversations from those who are there full time. Maybe they were right to be shocked cause I shouldn't have let my depressed best friend (heyyy) get drink during our night out but also I don't control them and they had the can and I made sure they were fine and fed and if it gets worse I will hold an intervention (I trust you but this is a warning), but sometimes I hear things that make me wonder if I could be seeing or doing more. It took one comment for me question my lack of questioning others' behaviours. I just don't want to be the reason someone I love gets worse (not just this instance, but in general),  all because I wasn't paying attention, or I was but did nothing

I have an insane week of project due dates and personal events. Thursday marks 5 years since I tried to kill myself, sandwiched between both of my parents' birthdays. I have just accepted I'm not finishing an exercise due on Tuesday in favour of my 4 actual projects due Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday but it's okay even if I feel like shit about it. I might have to postpone my d&d campaign starting which I actually feel worse about lmao. February is off to an insane start, to say the least.

I think that's it from me, here's to hoping I don't fall over and crash into the Tim Horton's milk & cream dispenser today! Signing off at 1:06 PM with love for my community and enough exhaustion to make the entirety of Toronto pass out in an instance.

- XO CD

CD Had An Insane Week With Another One In the Queue

I think I put too much pressure on these posts. i've written so much and yet can't post anything cause I put too much pressure on it. Anxiety is a bitch and it hates me.

I've had a lot on the brain, as always. I made 15 collage posters based on the tracks of P!ATD's "Pretty. Odd." in between barely sleeping, being extremely locked into school projects, listening to "Commit This To Memory" by Motion City Soundtrack, having strange and uncomfortable romantic dreams about my significantly platonic straight guy best friend (which could mean nothing), and having panic attacks over even attempting to fulfill my pathetic goal of trying to sing in my "band" that doesn't really exist.

So yeah, it's been a week.

Not sharing the collage posters because this is an anonymous blog (even if my best friend is here, i hope you enjoy the lore bombs), but it was the first time where I really leaned into my style full force and had a whole room of people actually enjoy it and want more. I'm not used to feeling confident in my work and feeling like I am worth my seat in my Design bachelor's program, but this helped. My mom used to just not get my art or design, and our relationship has always been rocky under the surface because she's super homophobic and transphobic and im closeted to her, but I finally started hanging up my work in my room and showing her and she actually really likes it which is a shock. I think she's just happy I'm not closed off and that I've become "a real woman" which is a whole new can of worms. Being queer in a traditional-esc Pakistani family is complciated and different for everyone, that's all I'll say.

Motion City Soundtrack has gotten me through the year so far. I started the year listening to "Together We'll Ring In The New Year" and it's continued to represent how I'm feeling, along with being a major source of creative inspiration. It's crazy how I've known of them for about 10 years and only in the last couple have I really started to realize they are my newest comfort band. Relatable lyrics, heartwarming delivery, danceable pop punk, all while feeling like you're just talking with a friend on your level. I listened to their debut, "I Am The Movie," and it was incredible, though I think I'm attached to "Commit This To Memory" forever. 

I don't think I have a crush right now, I think I just am lonely in that specific area of my life and would kill to be the object of someone's desires. It's haunting me a bit how pathetically I am yearning for romance in as I approach my 20s. It doesn't matter but since grade 9, every crush I have had has been deeply and obviously unrequited. Guys that were nice and just in the right place, girls who were far out of my league, and one nonbinary friend who was thankfully oblivious to me falling head over heels and it would've never worked with anyways. I cut my hair real short without permission or telling my, once again, deeply transphobic family the day before first year of classes started, and while it blew up my family for months, I looked like myself for once and I realize how much the idea of dating or romance is hindered by me being physically very pre-transition and therefore uncomfortable in my body. I think I just need to find another hot and dorky trans guy and have him fall in love with me and all my problems would be fixed.

I don't know, I'm writing this on one white monster and after days of not sleeping more than 5 hours a night. I'm going to an awesome local show this Friday, maybe seeing my high school best friend that I have a complicated friendship with (I love her to bits regardless) this weekend, work at my shitty gas station Tim Hortons on Sunday, doing a presentation for a class on Queering The Map on Monday, a painting a final critique due on Tuesday, my Dad's birthday on Wednesday, the 5 year anniversary of my suicide attempt on Thursday, a debt due on that Friday, teh first session of the dnd campaign I'm running on that Saturday, and my Mom's birthday on the Sunday. 1 week of absurdness and insanity and I am not ready. Not that I have a choice, I just hope I can sleep for more than a few hours. I still have to finish the latest episode of Critical Role: Campaign 4 but I doubt I'll have the time.

Despite everything, I'm happy right now, it's just a lot. Whether thats the energy drink or me talking is up to you, Reader, but its how I feel in this moment and I think thats the part that matters.

Signing off feeling scattered across time and space yet still somehow okay. It is 1:16 PM. Have a good rest of your day!!!

-XOCD

In which CD grapples with the idea of being perceived

sometimes i forget i am a human being that can be watched the same way i watch others. the concept has become less foreign with time yet the concern it brings me has only strengthened my constant awareness and self surveillance i am constantly doing. 

i think it would be exhausting for everyone i knew if they knew how much i cared despite growing up on the belief that i shouldn't. 

in middle school, i used to get teased a lot for like shitty rock bands and being annoying about them, so i just got more annoying about it and wore my pink Pierce The Veil "Today I Saw The Whole World" t-shirt 2x as often. a girl i barely knew but was friends with admitted she really admired that quality in me and the fact that i didn't let things like being called a "wrist slitter" or "future hot topic employee" (which is honestly a compliment) get to me much. i got bullied already for being a weird neurodivergent kid that looked like a nerd and was kind of a loser but once i truly discovered music, i unlocked an unparalleled level of confidence. 7th grade me was miserable and in denial about being queer but god damn i was still confident and ready to stand on my own as myself.

i think that version of me would be disappointed in the person i've become.

not that i'm letting myself be judged by mentally ill children, i actually don't care what middle school me thinks, and i understand perfectly why im more concerned about external perception compared to when i was a kid, but it still stings. stings to know how little i have made myself for the comfort of other people, whether it be family or classmates or even people i would call friends on a good day.

i think that being on twitter from grade 8 to grade 11 (which mind you, spring of grade 8 was 2020 for me), specifically stan twitter, probably did a lot of permanent damage to my brain but also helped a lot too because i had online friends and didn't have to fret about perception as much. i wasn't a body being seen under a microscope, i wasn't a performer playing the role of Normal Human Cis Woman while hiding all my trans pins and weird behaviours, and i wasn't hearing the nasty nasal of my stereotypically nerdy voice and tone. losing that due to a pseudo-cyber-stalking-situation (story for another day), being "outed" to family (story for another day), and elon musk buying twitter (unfortunately i think most people know this story) meant losing something deeper i couldn't recreate offline and i miss it.

im not even sure if that makes sense but i hope the idea is conveyed to some degree?

this blog is the closest im getting to that feeling, with a code name and blue theme to match, but even then i still feel the need to fill a role as if im being watched. maybe i just need some weed or like, anxiety meds. or my adhd meds that haven't been refilled in roughly 2 years (yet another story for another day). there's a tension in my mind that can never die until an unstoppable force defeats the unmoveable object once and for all. 

whatever man. these musings have had no real point or conclusion gained, they're simply words on a page. but it's all ive got!! i have an busy day tomorrow of procrastination, avoiding my cool but extraordinarily long readings for my gender studies class, bullshitting my way through said class, and more procrastination. too busy to even have a finished thought

signing off at 1:41 am, feeling overwhelmed by the underwhelming and unsatisfied yet okay with it because "Elderberry Wine" by Wednesday is stuck in my head and that song is an absolute banger. hope whoever is reading this from the void is having a nice day/night wherever they are, you all have really cool blogs and im excited to keep up with them all!! 

- XO CD.