I've made a habit of writing here instead of taking notes in class as a way to help pay attention which is wild how that works. Anyways its only Tuesday and this week has been insane.
I've slept for 10 hours across two days. Yesterday, I was stuck on morning commute for 3+ hours and i made it everyone's business by telling everyone, did a presentation where I rambled so hard i don't even remember what I said, just that I was both reciting and live editing my slides and forgot to clarify key details, and finished a painting only to make it slightly worse than intended. I have gotten to the point that I cannot tell how much is just me being too used to my work that I see the flaws, how much is me being too harsh while others are seeing with an honesty, or how much is me being honest about my work while others are far too kind. My mom once said to me that people will always be too kind to save face and keep up appearances so never trust what anyone says to you ever, which I think is far too extreme but I'd be lying if I didn't say I internalized some of it. I always feel like I'm reaching out to constellations I can't quite connect with. At the same time, I think a part of me might be a bit too self centred with my life idk romanticizing the idea of how I'm being projected a bit too much, which is weird? I fear I'm taking up space. I don't know. Brain's are odd
With that said, it's kind of insane the amount of beautiful moments that have happened because of those projects. An acquaintance I've wanted to properly befriend being genuinely moved by the presentation. A tired stranger on the bus glancing at the painting a few times before letting me know they liked it. Newly upgraded close friend hyping up said painting. Fishing for compliments is easy I'm doing it without meaning to. The other shoe will drop soon but until then I've got Delete by Ninajirachi playing on loop.
(Which by the way, great song. Stealing a note from Amuro and just linking them from more on. This is supposed to be a music centred blog, afterall. Take the link and pirate it, just listen.)
I've been so sleep deprived I completely forgot Hayley Williams and Daniel James dropped a new hardcore project on bandcamp which is fucking crazy. Power Snatch is the soundtrack for the ride home today.
Signing off emotionally conflicted and confused at roughly 9:06 AM. - XO CD
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ReplyDeleteFirst, the title actually made me laugh out loud, no acronym indented. Second, I think when looking at the good of the world its wild to realize how much good there really is. I mean, we all know the bad sticks so much easier because its a direct criticisms, but like I think about sometimes the good that has stuck because I allowed it to, and I think that's really important to let those things linger. Once when I was doing school away, I was drawing in a museum and a random dude walked up and just complimented me and asked me a bunch of questions about my work. I was having a really rough week, and almost every bad thing was happening, and so I allowed that moment to stick and now I still think about it fondly. People are great sometimes.
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